It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
