just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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