either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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