Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
