Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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