piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
