You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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