Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
