I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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