just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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