my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
she told me i tasted like america
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
