I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
