It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
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You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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