who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
