matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize