Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
