you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
