My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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