I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
