I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
