god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
