pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
