hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
