I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
