Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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