Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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