I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
