do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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