you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
