there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
