Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I want is dick and wine.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
