Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
