What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
