woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
