im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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