I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
