my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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