new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
