If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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