i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
