if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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