yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
