I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
