went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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