I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
