Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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