There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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