I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
