Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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