dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize