She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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