Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
