Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
