Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
