Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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