In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I need moral support for this bender
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
