weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
