just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
