I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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